Okay...so it might be random but it's actually not a *new* thought for me.
I've been feeling very down and worthless lately. I work hard during the day and enjoy it, but once evening comes, I'm alone with my thoughts and myself. I'm lonely. Big surprise. Relaxing at my parents' house this past weekend was wonderful, but seeing my younger sisters with their boyfriends and realizing just how close one of them is to having a ring on her finger is hard. No, it's beyond hard for me. I'm jealous of her relationship, that she's farther along in life than I am. I've always struggled with jealousy especially with this particular sister. In my mind, it has been because we are very close in age (12 months apart) and I feel like our whole lives, we've been competing for everything. I was always compared to her. She always got the better grades, she never got in trouble while I had my library books taken away or time on the stairs handed to me every time I turned around. Her room was immaculate, mine was a pigsty. She was quick to forgive and I held grudges. In college she joined a sorority and made fast friends. I went to a college my dad worked at, something I let work against me. She received many scholarships in college, made the Dean's List every semester, graduated summa cum laude (or something like that), went on a two week cruise of Greece and Italy, and then lived with my parents for 8 months before getting a job. She has minimal, if any, loans, her rent is dirt cheap, oh and she has a boyfriend. I graduated, never achieving my goal of getting on the Dean's List even once. I moved to Massachusetts soon afterwards and worked 60 hours a week as a live in nanny. My loans are up the kazoo, my money is a wreck, I've already kicked out one roommate this calendar year, and my friends all deserted me for boys and jobs and other states. I am desperate need of some serious girl time.
Yea, I realize I probably sound like a complete brat right now, and you might feel inclined to tell me to suck it up, grow up, or something of the kind. Please don't. I've heard it enough in my lifetime, and this is how I'm feeling right now. We all have our issues, and this happens to be one of mine.
I'm just being real.
Real is not always happy.
Anyway, onto the purpose of this post. Since last summer didn't work out nearly the way I'd planned, my thoughts have already been jumping ahead to next summer. Last school year, I gave myself until January and then started summer job searching, because I wanted to be sure I had a job. Yea, that worked out well.
Since my last two nanny jobs have been failures, I'd almost be inclined to think something's wrong with ME in that regard, except that I'm in my third year at the school and they keep asking me to come back so I must be doing something right?
Anyway...as of now, I have no plans to leave my school, which means I'll be teaching again in the fall. However, my lease is up at the end of May, three short days after the school year ends. Which leaves my summer absolutely wide open...so I'm thinking of looking into doing some summer orphanage work. I don't know where yet, but it's been on my heart for a while, keeps coming up in dreams and random thoughts...so I decided that I'll start doing some research and see where it leads. I'll keep you updated.
And that's where I'm at tonight. Deep thoughts, eh? Sorry.