Thursday, October 15, 2009

A Random Thought

Okay...so it might be random but it's actually not a *new* thought for me.

I've been feeling very down and worthless lately. I work hard during the day and enjoy it, but once evening comes, I'm alone with my thoughts and myself. I'm lonely. Big surprise. Relaxing at my parents' house this past weekend was wonderful, but seeing my younger sisters with their boyfriends and realizing just how close one of them is to having a ring on her finger is hard. No, it's beyond hard for me. I'm jealous of her relationship, that she's farther along in life than I am. I've always struggled with jealousy especially with this particular sister. In my mind, it has been because we are very close in age (12 months apart) and I feel like our whole lives, we've been competing for everything. I was always compared to her. She always got the better grades, she never got in trouble while I had my library books taken away or time on the stairs handed to me every time I turned around. Her room was immaculate, mine was a pigsty. She was quick to forgive and I held grudges. In college she joined a sorority and made fast friends. I went to a college my dad worked at, something I let work against me. She received many scholarships in college, made the Dean's List every semester, graduated summa cum laude (or something like that), went on a two week cruise of Greece and Italy, and then lived with my parents for 8 months before getting a job. She has minimal, if any, loans, her rent is dirt cheap, oh and she has a boyfriend. I graduated, never achieving my goal of getting on the Dean's List even once. I moved to Massachusetts soon afterwards and worked 60 hours a week as a live in nanny. My loans are up the kazoo, my money is a wreck, I've already kicked out one roommate this calendar year, and my friends all deserted me for boys and jobs and other states. I am desperate need of some serious girl time.

Yea, I realize I probably sound like a complete brat right now, and you might feel inclined to tell me to suck it up, grow up, or something of the kind. Please don't. I've heard it enough in my lifetime, and this is how I'm feeling right now. We all have our issues, and this happens to be one of mine.
 I'm just being real. 
Real is not always happy.

Anyway, onto the purpose of this post. Since last summer didn't work out nearly the way I'd planned, my thoughts have already been jumping ahead to next summer. Last school year, I gave myself until January and then started summer job searching, because I wanted to be sure I had a job. Yea, that worked out well.

Since my last two nanny jobs have been failures, I'd almost be inclined to think something's wrong with ME in that regard, except that I'm in my third year at the school and they keep asking me to come back so I must be doing something right?

Anyway...as of now, I have no plans to leave my school, which means I'll be teaching again in the fall. However, my lease is up at the end of May, three short days after the school year ends. Which leaves my summer absolutely wide open...so I'm thinking of looking into doing some summer orphanage work. I don't know where yet, but it's been on my heart for a while, keeps coming up in dreams and random thoughts...so I decided that I'll start doing some research and see where it leads. I'll keep you updated. 

And that's where I'm at tonight. Deep thoughts, eh? Sorry.



14 comments:

  1. We all have these days where we throw ourselves a fantastic shindig of a pity party - chips and dip included. I had one for myself the other day, and all my wonderful bloggy friends told me it is my blog and I can express how I am feeling. So...ditto. Granted maybe sometimes we whine, throw ourselves on the floor, scream, beat the floor with our fist and throw a chair on the floor, but, only if someone is looking {grin} I know I lose my focus on what is important from time to time.

    Regroup, restructure, refocus and don't let the fact that you blew off some steam get ya down.

    Now, cowboy up! {grin}. What? That wasn't on your list of things I couldn't say...{grin}

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  2. Hi Friend!! I am thinking of you and praying for you!! I wish I could be closer to you so that we could spend time together! Just wanted you to know that you are my BEST friend ever! And I'm here for you always...even when you're down and blah! I love you!! I hope things start looking up! I think the orphanage job would be fantastic! Go for it! Try something new and exciting!! You deserve it!!

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  3. I'd NEVER say suck it up! You're totally allowed to feel like that. BIG HUGS!!!!!!!

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  4. I have similar issues with my sister... I always chalk it up to we are 7 years apart lol! I feel your pain! Your feelings are real and you have every right to voice them!!! HUGS!

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  5. I'm jealous of her relationship, that she's farther along in life than I am.

    OK, NOT saying in a negative way, but HOW is she farther along in life than you are? She's at a different place in her life, sure, but NOT farther along. I think it's quite admirable that you've taken it to live independently. You KNOW you can take care of yourself. You can support yourself. That is a lesson and life experience I think every woman should have before getting married.

    You can go with the flow and handle stress and crazy hours. You are FLEXIBLE. Not everyone has that, and I'm convinced it's preparing you for your future. A GOOD future.

    I think it's good you vented and got some of this off your chest.
    I hear ya on the comparisons.
    I always did better than my brother in school, yet he got so much more praise from my parents. ALWAYS. It felt sickening at times.

    Did this sister go to FUS?

    Oh, and hey, your money isn't a wreck. You are gaining total control. It's a painful process, yes, but you're not alone, and what you're doing is quite impressive.
    You are very strong, Bethany.

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  6. I think these feeling of jealousy are very normal and expressing them is just one way of dealing with them so that you can move on. I think most people would feel the same way if they were in your shoes. As for next summer, I love the idea of an orphanage job. Especially since it's something you've been thinking about and even dreaming of for awhile. What a perfect opportunity to do this. I say go for it!

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  7. What's summer orphanage work? That sounds interesting!

    Do what it takes to find what makes you happy now. You know, I bet there are little things about you that make that sister jealous. That is just how it goes!

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  8. It's really tough to compare yourself to another person! Whether it's a sister, a friend, a co-worker...
    We all have different callings and different tempos. That orphanage work sounds very interesting; that takes a special kind of person to have a heart for that kind of work.

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  9. That was a very brave and honest post. I think any one of us could write something like that on any given day. We've all been there and experienced the kind of feelings that you are having. Try and stay focused on "Bethany". Write down and make a list of what "you" want in your life. Be specific. You will get there. Trust me and more importantly, trust yourself...

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  10. While it may seem your sister has it all, she doesn't. Under the shiny exterior I bet you'd find insecurities. We all have them. I'm sure there are things she's jealous about for you.

    You situation kinda sounds like me and my sister. I was the one who seemed to have it all and in high school and college we butted heads a lot and sometimes I could feel her jealousy and I hated it. I wasn't trying to compete. I just wanted to be me. Some things came easier for me than it did for her, but there were also things that she was able to do that I wish I could. We get along much better now but I wish we could've then too.

    I think you're doing great things and perhaps you're exactly where God wants you to be.

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  11. I think you need to BE BOLD in your re-evaluation of yourself.

    This negative self talk is doing nothing for you.

    DO you love God? Do you believe that you are who GOD says you are?

    Guess what? He doesn't believe ONE SINGLE negative thing that you wrote about yourself.

    Let me tell you something. I am in the SAME boat as you. I have an older sister who did all that...and then some... better then me.

    Where are we now?

    Well... I can tell you where I am now. I BELIEVE I am who GOD SAYS I AM.

    LOVED.
    TREASURED.
    COVETED.
    SIGNIFICANT.
    I am a child of God
    I am a friend of Jesus.
    I have been justified and redeemed.
    As a child of God, I am a fellow heir with Christ.
    I have been called to be a saint.
    In Christ Jesus, I have wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption.
    God leads me in the triumph and knowledge of Christ.
    The hardening of my mind has been removed in Christ.
    I am redeemed and forgiven by the grace of Christ.
    I am chosen, holy, and blameless before God.



    You are so very special. I hope you know that.

    Blessings to you-
    Amanda

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  12. I don't know how one compares lives because we are all on different paths even when we come from the same family. All my kids have ended up with different experiences (now in their 30s). I would not say one set of experiences is any better than another, just different. from everything else that you write, I sincerely doubt that you are worthless or that your sister is better than you. It sounds like you each have a different set of talents. God bless you!

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  13. Oh, I totally understand. The orphanage idea sounds fascinating and perhaps the reason you are unattached and able to travel? I don't know, but I try to focus on the good...especially on the weekends when I have no human contact except for 2 hours at church for the entire weekend!!

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  14. Hey Beth...as the mom of six, I'd like to say that each life is to be lived in a unique way. The story would be so mundane if we all lived the exact same chapters. I've often thought of your courageous spirit and drive to try new and exciting things; many would not!

    Your life is a gift...all of it...the highs and lows...they are all taking you to a wonderful place. Enjoy the journey!

    Love you!

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Comments warmly welcomed! :-)