Monday, May 10, 2010

Depression

I haven't really talked about it much (or maybe at all) on my blog, but I struggle with depression. It runs in my family and I remember two summers in particular when I hit rough patches. The first was when in 2004 right before I spent a semester in Europe. I distinctly remember driving past a certain tree in between my parents' house and their church and thinking, "I should just run into the tree. No one will care if I die. It's not worth it anymore." It was a fleeting thought, but one I've thought about occasionally over the years. Obviously, I didn't kill myself that day. 

Usually for me, something will throw me into a bout of depression. In 2004, it was moving home for the summer after enjoying a year living on campus with friends. My parents and I didn't get along and fought all the time, I didn't want to be living where I was or doing the work I was. As it turned out, and as silly as it sounds, the TV show "Friends" really helped me. I had never seen the show before and ended up buying all the seasons...they kept me in good spirits if I watched them almost constantly. 

In early 2007, I moved from Massachusetts back to my parents and quickly found a job here in Big City. As it turned out, the nanny job was not a good situation for me. I was living alone in a new city where I knew no one and one of the parents in my nanny job was overbearing and around all the time. I cried every day, sobbing and sobbing and eventually fell back into a bout of depression. I didn't want to be living alone, I thought my life was going to end before I got myself out of the nanny job, I was pessimistic, lost a ton of weight, wasn't sleeping well...the list could go on and on. 

So, in the summer of 2004 I was 19. In the summer of 2007, I was 22...now again, it is three years later. 2004-2007-2010. I just realized the date and that it's been every three years since I was 19. I fear that I am slipping into depression once again as I head into this summer. I desperately want to have a wonderful summer. I keep telling myself that there are less than three weeks of school. I have less than two weeks until I move in with one of my best friends, a girl who always keeps me laughing. I am not to the point of crying every day yet. I had one breakdown a week ago when I had a hard reality check that my job is likely ending. I haven't cried since, but another wall will break soon. I make it through a day of work and don't care about cleaning or packing. I sit on the couch and turn on the tv and zone out. I just don't care anymore. 

Please, God, don't let me fall into depression again. I don't think I can handle it. 

14 comments:

  1. I will be praying for you! Depression is in our families as well so I understand the crippling effects. Hugs and prayers to you!

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  2. I'll be praying for you sweet girl.

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  3. Have you been able to see a doctor? There is absolutely no shame in depression, and it is something that many people struggle with. Of course this does not make it any easier to deal with. Sometimes an anti-depressant can be prescribed on a temporary basis by a trusted doctor to get you through the rough patch. Especially if you are noticing that it comes on at particular times of the year.

    Bethany, I am so sorry you are struggling with this. My thoughts and my prayers are with you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

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  4. Oh darling, I wish I knew you had people around you to take care of you. Maybe you have a little hope that this too will end after going through it before? Sometimes it's all that pulls me through.

    xoxo

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  5. Depression runs in my family too and has most definitely been a struggle for me. I will be praying for you and please if you need to talk feel free to call or we can get together:) It can be isolating in the midst of depression but remember you're not alone and the pain you're feeling now will pass, like it did in the past, and things will be good again. And seriously if it's becoming too much there's no shame in going to the dr and getting help. I've done it for depression in the past. Hang in there friend!

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  6. I hope you know how much I understand exactly what you are going through. For me, I get depressed b/c i feel like I have little control over the depression and when it kicks in. can you afford to talk to a therapist, just to help you through this period of time?

    I am medicated and just recently decided that I am going to do my damndest to not let my mind go that place, Is it doable? I'll keep you posted. I'm here if you need me.

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  7. My dad has been suffering from depression for a very long time and I know what you are going thru.

    Hang in there. We will be here for you.

    ((hugs))

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  8. dear sweet girl.... i struggle with depression also, have for most of my life. i have put you on my prayer list and will lift you up to God each day. please get help if this gets worse... like from your pastor at church. {hugz} and blessings!

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  9. You are always welcome to head up and visit us if you feel it would bring you out of a funk.

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  10. http://ladybayou.blogspot.com/2010/05/exhaustion.html just saw this post and thought I'd pass it on... still praying for you

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  11. Have you ever read Moosh in Indy? She talks about her struggles with depression too. She is currently experiencing some now.

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  12. I'm dealing with some of this too which is compounded by my lack of people contact. I think it will be helpful that you are moving in with someone who is upbeat and will help to take your mind off things. I've begun to procrastinate a lot and am not as on top of things as I used to be. A few weeks ago I wrote on my blog about going to get some help; I've tried before in the past and am hoping this time will be the charm. My heredity is similar to yours and I guess I tire of people saying that all I need to do is put my mind to it and try harder - like I wouldn't have tried that over the past 35+ years if I could!!!!!

    Sending hugs your way. Hopefully this time the transition will end up being a happy new beginning for you...

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  13. Have you seen a therapist or talked to someone about this? :( I really think moving it with a close friend will help!

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  14. I'm with JAM, you need to talk to someone. Starting with your doctor is a good beginning. I hope you get the help you need and deserve soon. Know that you are in my thoughts.

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Comments warmly welcomed! :-)