I haven't really talked about it much (or maybe at all) on my blog, but I struggle with depression. It runs in my family and I remember two summers in particular when I hit rough patches. The first was when in 2004 right before I spent a semester in Europe. I distinctly remember driving past a certain tree in between my parents' house and their church and thinking, "I should just run into the tree. No one will care if I die. It's not worth it anymore." It was a fleeting thought, but one I've thought about occasionally over the years. Obviously, I didn't kill myself that day.
Usually for me, something will throw me into a bout of depression. In 2004, it was moving home for the summer after enjoying a year living on campus with friends. My parents and I didn't get along and fought all the time, I didn't want to be living where I was or doing the work I was. As it turned out, and as silly as it sounds, the TV show "Friends" really helped me. I had never seen the show before and ended up buying all the seasons...they kept me in good spirits if I watched them almost constantly.
In early 2007, I moved from Massachusetts back to my parents and quickly found a job here in Big City. As it turned out, the nanny job was not a good situation for me. I was living alone in a new city where I knew no one and one of the parents in my nanny job was overbearing and around all the time. I cried every day, sobbing and sobbing and eventually fell back into a bout of depression. I didn't want to be living alone, I thought my life was going to end before I got myself out of the nanny job, I was pessimistic, lost a ton of weight, wasn't sleeping well...the list could go on and on.
So, in the summer of 2004 I was 19. In the summer of 2007, I was 22...now again, it is three years later. 2004-2007-2010. I just realized the date and that it's been every three years since I was 19. I fear that I am slipping into depression once again as I head into this summer. I desperately want to have a wonderful summer. I keep telling myself that there are less than three weeks of school. I have less than two weeks until I move in with one of my best friends, a girl who always keeps me laughing. I am not to the point of crying every day yet. I had one breakdown a week ago when I had a hard reality check that my job is likely ending. I haven't cried since, but another wall will break soon. I make it through a day of work and don't care about cleaning or packing. I sit on the couch and turn on the tv and zone out. I just don't care anymore.
Please, God, don't let me fall into depression again. I don't think I can handle it.