Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Here We Go?



This is where I am, once again.

It is a new year, the "new beginning" that we are gifted with each year. And yet, I feel I have nothing to care about. I'm not to the point of depression fully taking over my life, I don't think.

I've tried to talk myself out of getting help professionally. As I drove by the pole I considered crashing my car into by my parents house years ago, I thanked God that I'm not that bad now. Then again, I don't want to get to that point, do I?

I am thankful to live with a friend, no matter how different it's been since her dad died. I told one of my coworkers from the school that I cannot nanny and live alone. It's just asking for trouble.

I'm anxious about things that don't matter right now. I worry about this coming summer and how I don't WANT to work, I want to travel. Summer should be for travel. Not full time work. Why does that matter in early January? It shouldn't.

I stress about how I will pay for a counselor or therapist. I have a very small nest egg, which will likely be used to buy a car at some point in 2011. If one of my new year resolutions is to babysit less and get out more, how does that help? I will be making less and spending more.

I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to have to say I'm in therapy. I'm scared. Of what, I haven't a clue. Here we go...2011 will be a journey. Of one kind or another.

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6 comments:

  1. First of all, depression is NOT something to be ashamed of, nor is seeking help to make your own life more enjoyable. I know several people who suffer from depression...and that's just it. SUFFER. It's something we don't want but some of us get-like the flu, cold...you wouldn't think to apologize for those, so you should not feel "defeated" for this. Give yourself a break!!

    2nd-what about some free sources of therapy or counseling? A church pastor, Catholic or not, often can fill that role. And if not, your mental happiness/health is worth $, and I think it will work out. You deserve happiness and to feel better than this. And who knows, it may not be something that you find needs to be ongoing, and may not even be such an expense.
    Do you have a family doctor/PCP? My friend 1st talked about her anxiety w/ her PCP, and he wrote her up an anti-anxiety med, minimal dose, and it actually really helped. For the winter months he also suggested she go tanning for a few minutes each week-due to the lack of Vit D and sunlight (she lives in WI, similar winters to us!). Even if you care not about tanning, etc, it may be worth a try to see if it affects your mood.

    Sorry to write so much. I just care about you & want you happy!

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  2. I'm out of excuses not to get help this time around.
    But I still don't want to do it.
    I hate having to go get help, even though I've been doing it for over 12 years. It never gets any easier.
    Not that that helps all that much, but maybe we can make a pact?
    I'll do it if you do it?
    Until then. xo

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  3. YES. you should do it. it is completely and totally worth the money. YOU are worth the money. if it means striking a balance between babysitting and getting out (because i'm certain your counselor will agree that you should invest in your social life) so be it.

    i promise it will be ok :)

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  4. i agree, friend. you need to take care of yourself and step back from anything that doesn't make you happy right now. you need to do this for you. everything money related will work out. you being happy is the main thing. i know you can do this!! i'm praying for you!

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  5. def seek out some of the centers that offer free or discounted services. I've temporarily stopped seeing my "life coach" ;-) as it really didn't seem to be helping much, but if you can hit on the right person it can make a big difference. Good luck. We are all pulling for you. I have a feeling I have some genetic depression issues too and they are always looming overhead unfortunately...

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  6. I understand where you are coming from as depression is something that I too experience every so often, for years now.

    Two realizations that have helped me a lot in this last year:
    Accepting that this is just something that I will keep struggling with from time to time. It’s just an illness, something like a cold or flu. The fact that it comes along shouldn’t have any shame attached to it. For years I thought I was a terrible person because I couldn’t get completely free of depression forever. Realizing that, that’s just not the way it is for me was a huge relief, and helps me to focus on dealing with the individual tough times much better.

    Knowing that it has always passed before and will again. When I am in the middle of a bout of depression this is something that I tell myself over and over again. I also have to avoid any big decisions or stressful situations as much as possible. I just set things aside when I can, and say that I will think about or work on that when I am feeling better. Then I do what I can to distract myself, cheer up and laugh a little, and sure enough after a few weeks, I’ve gotten through and can focus properly again.

    I am praying for you and know that you will make it. I’m a bit down right now myself, have been since before the holidays, but God is here and things will get better.

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Comments warmly welcomed! :-)