This is where I am, once again.
It is a new year, the "new beginning" that we are gifted with each year. And yet, I feel I have nothing to care about. I'm not to the point of depression fully taking over my life, I don't think.
I've tried to talk myself out of getting help professionally. As I drove by the pole I considered crashing my car into by my parents house years ago, I thanked God that I'm not that bad now. Then again, I don't want to get to that point, do I?
I am thankful to live with a friend, no matter how different it's been since her dad died. I told one of my coworkers from the school that I cannot nanny and live alone. It's just asking for trouble.
I'm anxious about things that don't matter right now. I worry about this coming summer and how I don't WANT to work, I want to travel. Summer should be for travel. Not full time work. Why does that matter in early January? It shouldn't.
I stress about how I will pay for a counselor or therapist. I have a very small nest egg, which will likely be used to buy a car at some point in 2011. If one of my new year resolutions is to babysit less and get out more, how does that help? I will be making less and spending more.
I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to have to say I'm in therapy. I'm scared. Of what, I haven't a clue. Here we go...2011 will be a journey. Of one kind or another.