That’s right…I’ve mastered this less than two weeks after my roommate’s dad passed away. Feel free to use these in your own life if you feel a need to wash your mouth out with soap afterwards.
- When at a funeral, tell roommate’s mother hello and ask “how are you”? Fine? No, she’s not fine. Her husband just died, dumbo. Hit head on table. Idiot score: 1
- Attend New Year’s Eve party with roommate the same day she comes back into town after being gone while dad died/funeral etc. Play CatchPhrase with roommate and her cousins and friends. Take CatchPhrase game from roommate after her turns end. Push “next” and almost choke as next word appears. CLOSED CASKET. Thank God roommate’s turn ended when it did. Idiot score: still 1. Nothing I could have done about this one.
- Begin watching “The Bachelor” while roommate is not home. Go take a shower and come downstairs to find her home and continuing to watch the show. Tell her about various girls that came on the show, including one who says “I meet a lot of men in my life, they are just not alive” because she is a funeral director and licensed mortician. Slam hand into forehead. Idiot score: at least 5
- One week after Christmas and thus the one week anniversary of her dad’s death, tell roommate that Christmas seems like forever ago. Ahem. She knows that, better than you do. ARGH! Idiot score: Do we have to keep counting?
- After a long three day stretch of work, decide you are too tired to go home and sit on couch because you will just fall asleep. Text roommate from library and invite her to go see a movie at the dollar theater with you. Thankfully she does not respond, because movie you see is called “Love and Other Drugs” and the main character is a girl with Parkinson’s. Roommate’s father died from Parkinson’s.
Let’s just say the idiotic words and thoughts just keep flying from my mouth.
Sigh. I need to think before I talk…let’s hope there’s not a second edition of this post in coming weeks.
Have you ever said stupid things repeatedly? Will I ever learn?